Never hold on?

You lose yourself trying to hold on to someone who doesn't care about losing you. If you wait to do everything until you're sure it's right, you'll probably never love someone again .

I'm writing these words to describe you and how I feel about you. And now I just don't really know it any more. There's this silent voice inside my head that tells me every time I think about you, that I have to let go of what happened. It’s just been a week that I’m away from you. But how's that possible? How am I supposed to let you go when you're not even gone? Because that's what happened the last few years. You happened to me and you always will be a special person to me. Don't get me wrong, sweetie.  I don't want to lose you and I truly promise I'll never let you go - even if you want me to. 


I can't... because you're that one special person I can't live without. But sometimes I think letting you go is the only way to be okay again. My mood almost always depends on you, even if I don't want it that way. Say something I don't want to hear, don't write back or hurt me with other things and I can show you how bad a person can really feel. I never thought things could be that upside down and up again. 
We only were... in the past! We're not anymore. Sometimes I tell myself that it's okay this way, that I'm over you. But the more I think about it, the less I believe it. So the truth is- I miss you and I  love you, every day a little bit more. 'Cause that's all I can do. I feel like one of those nine-year old boys who still believe in miracles and that in the end everything is going to be okay. 
And even if it doesn't, I will know how it 'was' and how it 'will be' the next time we're together again. I just can't help it. Because in the past I missed you for years I know the pain and I know how happy I was when you came back from Calcutta and I still remember when everything changed. You have no idea how much I love you, even though I do things that made you feel like I don't sometimes. You have no idea how much you mean to me. Lastly, I really want to have you in my life forever. Till death do us apart, alright?

The right wrong person

When it comes to love and relationships, I haven't had the typical experiences you might expect of a nearly 32-year-old. I've never lived with a partner. I've never come close to being married. I've been in love, but it was a beautiful, magic kind of thing at 26. I was different from others working with animals most of the time, I was so nervous that I forgot my name when I spoke to her for the first time; now that I look back it was very funny. I was discovering who I really was.

But, it just ended in a few months or so. She had to leave. I couldn't tell her I was really in love with her- that she was the love of my life. In the end we just had to say goodbye. So you could say that the most significant relationship of my life has really been the one I observed between my parents. I think I can safely say that they were bound together by the truth of their love for each other. 

My father, a handsome strong caring man, took care of my mother above all others. He gave her his love unconditionally. Their love started when they both adopted there first dog Jimmy. My mum recalls that Jimmy was the most special gift she ever received. Jimmy was her first son. My parents are compassionate couple who love animals. All these things have passed as hereditary in our family - proof that a love really existed as we thought it did.

Years passed. One day my phone rang. On the other end it was her. I was in tears mumbling on and on about how my heart had been broken. She asked me to come over because she didn't want me be alone. So I went to meet her and kissed her and told her don’t ever leave me and go then I stared at her soft eyes wishing she was mine. 

After 2 hours she looked at me said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her that I didn't want to be "just friends". That I loved her but I was too shy to tell her that. And I don't know why years passed us by without anything happening on either front.

From the very beginning, the girl's family objected strongly about her dating me, saying that it was something to do with family background and that the girl would have to suffer for the rest of her life if she were to be with me. Due to family's pressure, we quarreled very often. I mean it was me. Though she loved me deeply, she always asked me: "How deep is your love for me? 

I was not always very good with words. This often caused  her to be very upset. With that and the family's pressure, I often vented my anger on her. But she only endured it in silence. After a year, I finally left every one for her and again I proposed to her and said " I'm not very good with words. But all I know is that I love you. If you allow me, I will take care of you for the rest of my life. As for your family, I'll try my best to talk them round. Will you marry me?" 

She agreed and with my determination, the family finally gave in and agreed to let us get married. But I  don’t know what happened because within a day or two they refused for our marriage. That was The End............ Or was it?

Tell me again about the wedding we did not have. How I did not wear white, did not choke on tradition, did not blush? All the weddings that were not weddings, the vows that were just sneezing. The road ahead painted on a wall and how we sped over and over again into the brick. I say “we” like you weren't just watching me bruise.  Did you know i made us a home, painted walls  filled it with love I tried to slip the key onto your tongue but you cannot kiss a smile. So my home is not an home. So my home is an empty bed. That’s the thing about heart break. It’s the smallest of worlds ending. Everyone goes around you smiling, like it’s nothing to close a door .

We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you've been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavours of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. 

But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn't until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems the ones that make you truly who you are that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person.

But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, “This is the problem I want to have.” 

The special person who is wrong for me in just the right way.